Quick pre-work update

Time to post for a change.

What's going on...well same job, same boyfriend, looking at new better apartments (which I'm actually looking forward to), back in school...doing one course I like, math, and one I have to suffer through, public speaking (who grades on eye contact, really...). I'm determined not to suffer in fall semester, I'm wanting to take my next math and physics. No definantly petrifying classes that I can't see the point in. I can write, why do I have to speak? Blech.


Got the DS I was longing for over Christmas and it's been a constant companion since (also has inadvertently made me seem rude apparently). Addicted to buying games for it (and each time calling them its' presents).

Ok so I haven't been blogging lately. My life has been insane. There was a hurtful, tearful breakup (yes being autistic doesn't exclude you from those) and a new, sometimes scary, relationship. A new job. Moving to a new place. Way too many news for me. I can't say I'm not happy about the job though. I've been employed for three months straight now. The management is great where I work and I have a lot of really nice coworkers who don't look at me askance because I'm given to stimming at work. The job itself isn't ideal but there is a lot I do like about what I do. I conduct telephone surveys. Odd job for an autistic? Especially for one with CAPD to be good at? Well there's a lot of scripts to follow (some I make up myself) and for the most part I read a screen and I can tell close enough what most folks are saying to match their response to something on my screen. I also say 'pardon' a lot. People are pretty understanding most of the time. I also have a headset and I block one of my ears with an earplug a lot. Yes, it does cause me some anxiety to work at what I do but any job would and this is better than most for me. Good management is a wonderful thing.

The relationship can be interesting because he's not autistic and doesn't exhibit some of the behavior my last bf did that was comfortable to me. He needs a lot of time with me but we've mostly worked it out. I usually can do what I want to do and he's getting far more understanding about what I need to do and he's learning how different my autism is from his ADD even though we're both technically spectrum. It is hard getting used to trying to fulfill someone else's needs for me though. Especially when some of them aren't anything I've ever needed so I can't truly understand.

I've been reading an insane amount of YA fiction to deal with the insanity. Some books I've read before, some that did not exist when I was younger. I've been able to read this sort of book since I was eight and I speed through them at twenty-five but just the reading is a comfort. It's soothing. Repetitive sometimes. Something I've seemingly always done. The reading keeps me away from the computer...another reason I haven't been blogging. The non-backlit nature of books is comforting to my eyes. Books are just a great sensory thing to me. The smell, the feel, and of course the sight!

I'll try to blog a bit more in coming days.

Psych meds

Mine have been making me sick. Very sick at times. I think it's time to come off them or at least be on a lot less. My circumstances have improved enough and I can always go back on if things get bad but yeah...I have a constant brain fog. Everything irritates me. I'm tired 24/7. I twitch, more than I ever did. My muscles ache. I can't lose weight (I am overweight). I can't concentrate. And while I'm never very sad I'm never very happy either. I get nauseous in the middle of the day. I get headaches. I had my first migraine this past week. Something has to change. I will talk to my doctor but I...something has to change. I'm not even me anymore.

I thought I'd make a post on one of my favorite days of the year. I love the holidays as long as they are relatively sedate people-wise although spending them with friends makes it ok if they're a little less so. I love the shiny. And that made me think about what my perfect dwelling would be like.

1. Merry Go Round in the house, preferably in the kitchen. #The kind like there are on playgrounds.
I'd like to ride while I wait for things to cook.
2. Jungle Gym over puffy soft floor somewhere.
3. Lots of little nooks to squeeze myself into with nice soft blankets in them.
4. Colored and glittery mirrors.
5. Obviously books and a nice cozy nook for my computer.
6. Rocking chairs.
7. One of these:here
8. A hanging, swinging, sort of egg shaped chair. #I got to experience one once, a little piece of heaven!
9. Lots of stim toys like these:
here #pretty much anything in this picture, this store is in my city and I DO actually have one of the items pictured. One of the hanging crystal balls.








10. Lots of windmills and pinwheels in the yard.
11. Pillows!

Always different...I feel even in this world. Because I'm never quite mirrored in what I see unless I'm looking at myself. Some of you come oh so close, it's true. I like order but I'm far from a neat freak, I'd rather do almost anything than clean. Writing seems to come easier to you. To me it does sometimes but often not when I'd like it to. I can't yet create the pictures I'd show you but that seems to be the path I'm taking. Drawing is what I do. Have done. Since being a little child drawing picture maps of songs. I didn't always like to show people. What I make is too close to me. Too much of a window to the inside of a place that I'm scared for most people to get. And I'm scared of people saying it's bad. If it's bad then I am too. To be most honest I think I'd have to find a way to directly project my mind. and sometimes. Oh sometimes. I wish I could. There is beauty with eyes open and more so sometimes with them shut. There is always music.

My life has been a pain lately. Haven't really felt like blogging. So as a diversion, as much for me as you, I present some of my favorite books and toys.

Bristle Blocks


I used to love these guys. According to a photo I got them around the age of three. I remember them well. How I loved the texture! They were the best to rub your face and arms with.


LEGO


Ok, what kid (or adult for that matter) doesn't LOVE legos? I had mostly the basic ones. I didn't even have some of the colors there are now until I was a teen.

Pinwheels!


How can you beat shiny AND spinny? I used to be quite obsessed with them...ok still am.


Arm in Arm by Remy Charlip


So this is a recent thing. One of my favorite children's books discovered after childhood. I really recommend it. No matter what your age.


A Wrinkle in Time




I can't tell you how many times I've read this. It never gets boring at all.

The best thing I ever did for myself is let myself read what I liked and allowed myself not to care who it was that the books were meant for.

I read better than my agemates for years. Both in speed and in understanding. Everyone who knew me growing up probably knows that. What they don't know is that I hit a cieling around nine or that I couldn't always understand the things I read before then. I was smart. I could read. Why would I admit that I didn't understand it? Or that I couldn't remember who was who and had to keep flipping back to understand what was going on?

I wouldn't let myself know. It became more obvious as we were tested more on our comprehension. First with computerized tests and then with writing essays. My writing would be good but not really have much to do with the story. Because of the nature of what we were supposed to read (especially for honors English which I should have opted out of, I was placed in it because I was 'gifted' and that's what the system did) I often had very little grasp of what the story was actually about. On my own I continued to read mostly young adult fiction (as I have consistantly since).

Don't get me wrong. It's better now. But I read slower and with a dictionary. I still don't always understand. I'm struggling now with the odd wording and strange place names in the Lord of the Rings. That's really why I haven't read the classics for the most part. I can't consitently understand what's going on and it's irksome. My reading lately has been satisfying but very easy in most cases.

I can still read more than I can comprehend. It's like my speaking. And my writing for that matter. I can say things that I don't understand. I can memorize and stick things together and sound really convincing. As a teacher of mine once said 'if you can't dazzle them with brillance, baffle them with bullshit' which I seem to have done. I intend to finish my English courses (if I have to take more) at WCC. That's why I didn't do well in Freshman Comp at the university. The professor realized...I was more or less writing something that looked right.

Interpretation wasn't a strong point either. I read very literally. I read what's there. If I have to interpret I make something up. I often read interpretations and just go "huh"..."'how did they get 'that' out of 'that'"?

I wasn't going to bring this up because of people being annoyed about the hype and all but that's a lot of what I like about Harry Potter. Other adults freely admit to liking it and I can understand it. Without a dictionary and without rereading the same sentence seven times. The characters are few and mostly have memorable names so I can keep track of what is happening.