This is Who I Really Am

Quick pre-work update

2009-03-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

Time to post for a change.

What's going on...well same job, same boyfriend, looking at new better apartments (which I'm actually looking forward to), back in school...doing one course I like, math, and one I have to suffer through, public speaking (who grades on eye contact, really...). I'm determined not to suffer in fall semester, I'm wanting to take my next math and physics. No definantly petrifying classes that I can't see the point in. I can write, why do I have to speak? Blech.

Got the DS I was longing for over Christmas and it's been a constant companion since (also has inadvertently made me seem rude apparently). Addicted to buying games for it (and each time calling them its' presents).

2008-07-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ok so I haven't been blogging lately. My life has been insane. There was a hurtful, tearful breakup (yes being autistic doesn't exclude you from those) and a new, sometimes scary, relationship. A new job. Moving to a new place. Way too many news for me. I can't say I'm not happy about the job though. I've been employed for three months straight now. The management is great where I work and I have a lot of really nice coworkers who don't look at me askance because I'm given to stimming at work. The job itself isn't ideal but there is a lot I do like about what I do. I conduct telephone surveys. Odd job for an autistic? Especially for one with CAPD to be good at? Well there's a lot of scripts to follow (some I make up myself) and for the most part I read a screen and I can tell close enough what most folks are saying to match their response to something on my screen. I also say 'pardon' a lot. People are pretty understanding most of the time. I also have a headset and I block one of my ears with an earplug a lot. Yes, it does cause me some anxiety to work at what I do but any job would and this is better than most for me. Good management is a wonderful thing.

The relationship can be interesting because he's not autistic and doesn't exhibit some of the behavior my last bf did that was comfortable to me. He needs a lot of time with me but we've mostly worked it out. I usually can do what I want to do and he's getting far more understanding about what I need to do and he's learning how different my autism is from his ADD even though we're both technically spectrum. It is hard getting used to trying to fulfill someone else's needs for me though. Especially when some of them aren't anything I've ever needed so I can't truly understand.

I've been reading an insane amount of YA fiction to deal with the insanity. Some books I've read before, some that did not exist when I was younger. I've been able to read this sort of book since I was eight and I speed through them at twenty-five but just the reading is a comfort. It's soothing. Repetitive sometimes. Something I've seemingly always done. The reading keeps me away from the computer...another reason I haven't been blogging. The non-backlit nature of books is comforting to my eyes. Books are just a great sensory thing to me. The smell, the feel, and of course the sight!

I'll try to blog a bit more in coming days.

Psych meds

2008-01-13T16:37:00.001-08:00

Mine have been making me sick. Very sick at times. I think it's time to come off them or at least be on a lot less. My circumstances have improved enough and I can always go back on if things get bad but yeah...I have a constant brain fog. Everything irritates me. I'm tired 24/7. I twitch, more than I ever did. My muscles ache. I can't lose weight (I am overweight). I can't concentrate. And while I'm never very sad I'm never very happy either. I get nauseous in the middle of the day. I get headaches. I had my first migraine this past week. Something has to change. I will talk to my doctor but I...something has to change. I'm not even me anymore.

2007-12-24T11:42:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd make a post on one of my favorite days of the year. I love the holidays as long as they are relatively sedate people-wise although spending them with friends makes it ok if they're a little less so. I love the shiny. And that made me think about what my perfect dwelling would be like.

1. Merry Go Round in the house, preferably in the kitchen. #The kind like there are on playgrounds.
I'd like to ride while I wait for things to cook.
2. Jungle Gym over puffy soft floor somewhere.
3. Lots of little nooks to squeeze myself into with nice soft blankets in them.
4. Colored and glittery mirrors.
5. Obviously books and a nice cozy nook for my computer.
6. Rocking chairs.
7. One of these:here
8. A hanging, swinging, sort of egg shaped chair. #I got to experience one once, a little piece of heaven!
9. Lots of stim toys like these:
here #pretty much anything in this picture, this store is in my city and I DO actually have one of the items pictured. One of the hanging crystal balls.

10. Lots of windmills and pinwheels in the yard.
11. Pillows!

2007-08-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

Always different...I feel even in this world. Because I'm never quite mirrored in what I see unless I'm looking at myself. Some of you come oh so close, it's true. I like order but I'm far from a neat freak, I'd rather do almost anything than clean. Writing seems to come easier to you. To me it does sometimes but often not when I'd like it to. I can't yet create the pictures I'd show you but that seems to be the path I'm taking. Drawing is what I do. Have done. Since being a little child drawing picture maps of songs. I didn't always like to show people. What I make is too close to me. Too much of a window to the inside of a place that I'm scared for most people to get. And I'm scared of people saying it's bad. If it's bad then I am too. To be most honest I think I'd have to find a way to directly project my mind. and sometimes. Oh sometimes. I wish I could. There is beauty with eyes open and more so sometimes with them shut. There is always music.

2007-07-27T13:00:00.001-07:00

My life has been a pain lately. Haven't really felt like blogging. So as a diversion, as much for me as you, I present some of my favorite books and toys.

Bristle Blocks

I used to love these guys. According to a photo I got them around the age of three. I remember them well. How I loved the texture! They were the best to rub your face and arms with.

LEGO

Ok, what kid (or adult for that matter) doesn't LOVE legos? I had mostly the basic ones. I didn't even have some of the colors there are now until I was a teen.

Pinwheels!

How can you beat shiny AND spinny? I used to be quite obsessed with them...ok still am.

Arm in Arm by Remy Charlip

So this is a recent thing. One of my favorite children's books discovered after childhood. I really recommend it. No matter what your age.

A Wrinkle in Time

I can't tell you how many times I've read this. It never gets boring at all.

2007-07-22T11:09:00.001-07:00

The best thing I ever did for myself is let myself read what I liked and allowed myself not to care who it was that the books were meant for.

I read better than my agemates for years. Both in speed and in understanding. Everyone who knew me growing up probably knows that. What they don't know is that I hit a cieling around nine or that I couldn't always understand the things I read before then. I was smart. I could read. Why would I admit that I didn't understand it? Or that I couldn't remember who was who and had to keep flipping back to understand what was going on?

I wouldn't let myself know. It became more obvious as we were tested more on our comprehension. First with computerized tests and then with writing essays. My writing would be good but not really have much to do with the story. Because of the nature of what we were supposed to read (especially for honors English which I should have opted out of, I was placed in it because I was 'gifted' and that's what the system did) I often had very little grasp of what the story was actually about. On my own I continued to read mostly young adult fiction (as I have consistantly since).

Don't get me wrong. It's better now. But I read slower and with a dictionary. I still don't always understand. I'm struggling now with the odd wording and strange place names in the Lord of the Rings. That's really why I haven't read the classics for the most part. I can't consitently understand what's going on and it's irksome. My reading lately has been satisfying but very easy in most cases.

I can still read more than I can comprehend. It's like my speaking. And my writing for that matter. I can say things that I don't understand. I can memorize and stick things together and sound really convincing. As a teacher of mine once said 'if you can't dazzle them with brillance, baffle them with bullshit' which I seem to have done. I intend to finish my English courses (if I have to take more) at WCC. That's why I didn't do well in Freshman Comp at the university. The professor realized...I was more or less writing something that looked right.

Interpretation wasn't a strong point either. I read very literally. I read what's there. If I have to interpret I make something up. I often read interpretations and just go "huh"..."'how did they get 'that' out of 'that'"?

I wasn't going to bring this up because of people being annoyed about the hype and all but that's a lot of what I like about Harry Potter. Other adults freely admit to liking it and I can understand it. Without a dictionary and without rereading the same sentence seven times. The characters are few and mostly have memorable names so I can keep track of what is happening.

2007-07-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

abfh tagged me for a meme listing 8 random things about me.

The rules:

1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

1. I like to sing in empty bus shelters and pedestrian underpasses more than anywhere else because of the acoustics.

2. I go to clothing stores just to touch the clothing. I did this just yesterday. It was a great experience.

3. I feel sorry for objects frequently: old buildings going down and broken toys for example.

4. I like going to car shows and looking at the license plates. I consider myself an enthusiast.

5. I'm discovering a new found love for books from the young adult department of our library. I've been able to read them since I was seven or eight but I feel like I understand more now.

6. I take more interest in the houses I see than the people that might live in them and I'd probably run away if anyone ever came out. (I do talk to the animals in the yards though, I've become quite friendly with a dog I see on the way to the bus.)

7. I'm fascinated by shiny things. If I were rich I'd probably buy mostly things that appealed to my eyes.

8. I want my own ball pit.

I haven't decided who I'm tagging yet.

Crosswords

2007-07-09T17:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, puzzles. I purchased a book of puzzles a few weeks ago and have found that I really like them, especially crosswords. Which is funny because I always struggled with them. I don't know how to spell very well for one thing. And for yet another I usually avoid things I don't know how to do well but I'm breaking away from that. And discovering I'm better at things than I think.

I find that I can remember crossword answers going from paper to Internet and also answers from puzzles in progress when my computer overheated and shut down. It seems if I have prompts I have a much easier time remembering things.

2007-06-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

A livejournal friend of mine prompted this today.
I find it helps a lot just to respond to others to know what to say sometimes.

Extra words to make sense of this and additions I'll put in {}.

Yeah, sound generally doesn't even get interpreted very clearly so replaying it....near impossible. I tend to remember more of the general feel of things than the exact details when it comes to my interactions. My detail memories are visual, olfactory and tactile. Those are also my keenest senses in the lieu of being able to actually make sense of and remember the input. I hear a lot better than the average adult but I don't comprehend much of what I hear. I also have a tendency to tune others out (like I did in the conversation I was talking about) so that I can figure out what I'm saying. {This is in response to what happened in therapy last Friday where my therapist tried to get me to replay a conversation I had with James' mom. Just so you know, I can't do that.}

I think in a little bit of everything I think. A lot of it is visual yes, but that's not everything. I can remember some audio wonderfully, music usually. I set so much of life to it. It basically is my emotion at the time.

My therapist did ask if I'd been diagnosed with autism as a child. Not sure what she was thinking there (but am I ever? hardly) but part of it might have to be to do with the fact that I don't fit into most people's 'aspie' boxes. I have logic but it's my logic most of the time and not what others think of as logic. Instead of putting a hard face on to the world I make friends with everything. Instead of memorizing facts and figures I usually spend my time rubbing my fingers over things and saying words over and over because I like the sound and playing with blocks and dice. I also read a lot but more or less because I can fall into the story or because the book has good pictures {or pop ups! I stlll love those. Or even better, tactile parts, my favorite dinosaur book as a kid had apparently been very roughly used and I liked to feel the texture where the paper was perforated more than anything} or beautifully shaped text.

I don't believe in the dividing line {between Asperger's and autism} myself. How can I?

2007-05-31T17:36:00.000-07:00

I am reading yet another book about autism. I'm not liking it much but I'm liking parts. I liked the bit about not liking cutlery and how unnecessary it seems (is). And about picky eating (I've always been somewhat of a picky eater). I went through a phase of just mostly wanting Trader Joe's High Fiber O's cereal and now I'm stuck on pancakes made with Trader Joe's multigrain baking and pancake mix. I mix the syrup in with the ingredients so I get the taste but not the sticky. Important because I like my pancakes best when I can eat them with my fingers. So butter and syrup were always a problem. Syrup more because I like it more but hate it's sticky factor. I hate sticky things touching me. It's right up there with being crawled on by anything other than a caterpillar or ladybird.

2007-05-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

Despite the trouble in things like getting jobs and learning to drive life is beautiful. I wouldn't trade my life for one as a non-autistic person. The way I am has so much to appreciate about it. The joy in 'simple' things. The texture of carpet. The way bricks look in the sun. The subtle changes in atmosphere. I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't wish it away. It is my life and it is beautiful.

2007-05-04T19:01:00.001-07:00

Link

2007-05-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

I think I've figured out what it is that really doesn't appeal to me about 'adult life'. The tendency to rush. The tendency to feel that spending a whole day reading or working jigsaws or painting is a day wasted. I remember distinctly when it was ok to do those things. To spend an afternoon outside picking flowers and digging up earthworms to play with and chewing on wild onions. I still want that. I'm not ready to do things fast and don't think I ever will be. There has to be a place in life for people like me. People who want the 'luxury' of occasionally going fast but really like to LIVE life.

2007-05-01T11:52:00.000-07:00

http://www.savantservants.net/autism/pickyfood.html

This made me think of something I've been thinking about on and off for a while. While I'm not the picky eater I once was I can still be pretty picky. I've gotten to the point where I really don't like seafood, it's the smell really. I think we've been buying too much of it. Although there are things I can eat day in and day out for years and be okay with, they don't have strong odors. Pretty much scrambled eggs, the blander cereals, chicken tenders, pancakes, french toast and blue slushies. Those are pretty much the things I've been able to universally eat unless terribly sick. I like both pancakes and french toast just fine without syrup and sometimes prefer them that way. I really like to eat them with my hands which drives other people batty. The only time silverware is really intuitive is if something is almost impossible to eat without it (soup, ice cream, yogurt). So all that I remember of my twenty-four years I've heard people complaining about my table manners. I guess that's why I really prefer to eat alone a lot. So I can feel free (as I did this morning) to eat with my fingers and not worry whether or not I'm chewing with my mouth closed and just enjoy the sensation of eating my pancakes.

2007-04-18T06:59:00.000-07:00

My stomach is bothering me today so I made frozen waffles to take for lunch. I can never tell when I might feel bad so it's impossible to make lunch the night before, it's very good that classes are almost over for the semester! Getting up very early is not for me. Especially when I can't completely prepare the night before.

We're having a stress-beating sort of program thing today and I mean to go, I hope they have stress balls. I'm not really stressed that much but I really like stress balls.

I'm also wondering today if my grandmother has gotten rid of her blue glass collection because I'd really like some of it. I always liked it as a kid. I'm not sure why I'm thinking about that.

2007-04-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

If you're reading my livejournal you've already read this. I posted it a few days ago and then thought that it might be appropriate here as well.

When I thought I couldn't remember anything before a certain age it was because I was looking for the wrong kind of memories.

Had I been looking for sensory memories I'd have realized that I could remember back to at least age four if not three.

These thoughts stemmed from lying in bed having distinct memories of Velcro shoes (I had trouble learning how to tie my laces), playing with the Velcro and how the plastic pieces where the Velcro went through made my feet itch. That wasn't a terribly early memory in itself, I was probably seven or eight, but it was an age that I thought before that I couldn't remember anything from. This is hardly new but this is the first time I've put the idea to words. I've been having these vivid sensory memories pretty much for the past year and a half. Probably before but these are the ones I'm really aware of happening.

I never lost my childhood. I just 'lost' a part of it that wasn't really all that there for me in the first place. The people. That's not how I remember things usually, even now, I tend to remember particularly what I feel (not emotionally, through my sense of touch) and see. Even my most vivid memories of people are no match for these. My most peopled memories are those of the past two years.

experiment in photo manipulation

2007-04-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

original photograph (above)

My Interests

2007-04-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

I rarely talk about my perservations. I don't (and mostly haven't) fit the standard view of what people with an Asperger's diagnoses (which I wonder about, not whether I'm autistic but whether it's actually Asperger's in particular, I have no doubts about being autistic). I had interests that could be seen as very academic (as in the stereotype) but most of my perservations were and are, sensory. I was interested in science certainly and math, medicine and psychology later. But I have few memories of those things (other then endlessly reading, I remember some of the books), I know some of it stuck but it's nothing like the sensory memories I have, perfectly formed, remembered exactly. And it is those that I pursue now. The pattern blocks I recently bought for myself were that, part of persuing wonderful sensory memories of times past. Wood blocks. Same colors for the shapes. Same SMELL. Getting them in the mail was one of the best moments of the week. Opening the package. Touching them. Smelling them. Clicking them against each other.

Colors are another one. Crayons. The colors are more fascinating then what one can do with them. I love different greens and blues best. Lately purples, browns and yellows have become more enticing. As a child I had a preference for the 'cool' colors (green, blue, purple) in art class. Easier on the eyes then the bright reds, oranges and yellows....I still don't care for orange and yellow in its brightest forms hurts my eyes, so does green for that matter, anything called 'neon' or 'flourescent' has that capacity. Especially in big patches. Brownish-yellow is one of my favorite colors though. The yellowy brown of old books is the easiest color to read on!

Textures. I love textures. Car seats. Couches. Carpets. Running my fingers over silky fabric and knobbly fabric and smooth fabric. Feeling the lines in the upholstry. Running my fingers over the raised paint on walls and the raised rubber of shoe bottoms.
Patterns. Paisleys. Plaids. I loved these things before I knew the words for them. Lovingly tracing the lines with my fingers.

Sounds. Music. The sound of tapping on certain things. Fingers running over brick walls. The feeling and the sound there. Singing. Singing into the fan and hearing it filtered through that. Singing in pedestrian underpasses or anywhere that will echo to hear the echo. Just singing to myself.

Watching things spin. Coins. Fans. Anything that will spin. Spinning myself which leads to vestibular sensation perservations. Swinging on swingsets. Cracking my joints, especially my neck. Rocking. Leaning my head against things that vibrate.

2007-04-03T17:32:00.000-07:00

I saw a social worker at the insistence of my GP today. It wasn't a bad visit other then the awful paint fumes and music coming from outside. I was repeatedly distracted in a bad way by both. Then there were the good distractions. The pattern of the carpet and its knobbly texture. I've always loved patterns and textures so that was actually a joy. The cloth on the bookshelf provided some of that too. I was shaking the entire time and conscious of it but unable to do anything about it. I was also moving my hand in a way that resembles making the letter 'o' with one's first finger and thumb, it was comforting to me to do so and not just the movement but watching the movement. It was a lot better for me to focus on my moving hand, the font on the paper I brought along to help me communicate (rather than just babble), the carpet, the cloth, and the marble statuette on the bookshelf then on the smell, the noise, or the social worker. We re-determined what I already knew, that I'm autistic. She seems to think that it might be contributing to my anxiety (my sensory sensitivities in particular). Since she's not equipped to work with me she referred me to a psychologist. I hope that goes well. But of course if it doesn't I can always find something different. But I hope it does because I don't know where to look and I hate asking people for things. It's a lot easier to have yourself called ahead of time about.

She asked a lot of questions. Some that I didn't understand right away. But at least I got one 'right' that I got wrong before. She asked if I heard or saw things others didn't (hallucinations) and I said yes and she asked what, that wasn't done before, and I told her I heard dog whistles and could see details that others couldn't (I see the grain in paper for instance and things like stitching in people's socks in photographs). So that made her understand that I don't hallucinate, I just see and hear things others don't! (I know this because I blew a dog whistle at my mom to ask if she could hear and she couldn't and thought I was being silly. Also, I've had people tell me it was odd the details I notice.) I mean sometimes I DO see things but it's just the fact that my visual processing can be a little slow and I see people 'flicker' when they move but I figured that wasn't what she was talking about either. It would have been easier if she'd started with the details.

2007-04-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

I have two things in mind as I post today. The first is the utterly depressing nature of much of what I find in online communities for autistic people. Particularly the community asperger on the site Livejournal. The other is a post by Joel concerning the categorization of different presentations of autism, here.

Like Joel, I have a diagnoses of Asperger's. Yet I find it very difficult to relate to much of the experience of others with the same diagnoses. Why? I'm far from understanding loneliness for one. I've never been lonely in the sense that I just wanted someone around. I get what I consider lonely for specific people. Family, the few close friends I have, my boyfriend (whom I didn't meet in the conventional way, dating is highly overrated to me). But it never bothers me to be by myself. My boyfriend works. I attend classes a couple of days a week. So I spend a lot of time alone. What do I do? I read, I bake, I clean, I write, I draw, I garden, I walk, I swing on the swingset in the park, I do homework, I play, I watch my favorite TV shows repetitively and I sing to myself among other things. My life is full despite what might seem to be very little human interaction.

So many people on asperger (and similar communities) see nothing good about autism. I haven't found very much bad about it. It's frustrating to lose language and just not to be able to express myself but my life is too full and rich for me to be really unhappy as I am. I've found my own ways of doing things. It's funny that I get described as someone who gets stuck on one way of doing things when the people who say that do that too! At least I look for ways that don't hurt me. Or hurt me as much.

I love my boyfriend not because I love having a boyfriend or because that was really a goal in my life but because he is himself. He's my best friend. He provides me with such joy that I can't express with words. We go out sometimes but we never really dated. We just made an agreement to move to this from the stage of very good friends because of attraction on multiple levels. And it IS nice to spend ones life with someone. But it wasn't really planned. We have sort of went out on dates but it's just amounted to going to the movies once and going to dinner a few times. But we live together. So we do a lot together. He plays with me, he likes toys too. We talk. We take walks together. We watch some of the same TV shows. We aren't a typical couple, I've been told that, but in some ways we are I think. We disagree. We're both spectrum but I'm at a different place. He never loses language. Never shows frustration in self injurious ways. He talks easily to people with his voice. Sometimes he gets frustrated because I can't express myself as well verbally. Sometimes I get frustrated because he doesn't understand something that is obvious to me, and vice versa. But I love him and like I said, he is my best friend.

Sometimes the diagnoses of AS is very frustrating. Because I write extremely well and if I plan it, can talk as well as most people and go to college classes I'm assumed to be too high functioning to ever need help. I haven't found employment that works out for me. I can't drive yet and doubt it will ever be a comfortable thing for me. I have problems with perception (such that I won't cross the road unless I'm absolutely SURE nothing is coming in either direction, I've almost been hit more than a couple of times, in my adult life. I can't bear really bright lights or high pitched sounds and excessive sounds (particularly the 'blah blah' of many people talking) can lead me to need to cover my ears. People make me cry a lot when I'm working because I can't seem to work fast enough too suit anyone and I get yelled at which hurts on more than one level. If it gets very bad I might yell or run out, this is because I'm in PAIN. People's voices can hurt a lot. Another thing is I'm very phobic of telephones.

I may write more later. Right now my fingers are hurting.

2007-03-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

I got my pattern blocks today. I was so happy to see the package stuffed in the mailbox. They're just like I remembered them being. Even the smell. Now I get them to myself and no one wants me to share with others. That always sort of ticked me off. (Legend has it that I pushed away a cousin who wanted to share my bristle blocks and I don't doubt it. They were MINE. And the cousin wasn't likely to want to play with them the way I was. I mean what would happen if I wanted to stack the red ones and she was playing with a few of them? That was something that upset me a great deal as a kid.)

I think inside of me the little child I once was still exists and she's constantly wanting to express herself. She was locked inside while I had to grow up. While I tried to grow up. Now I'm free and she's there wanting things I loved. Things I still love. I don't believe I am my chronological age. Only this body is in its mid-twenties. My mind is three and five and thirty five and fifty three all at once. I don't think I'll ever reach quite the level of adulthood that people have imagined or that other people might. I think I'll always have that desire to play and explore and line things up to calm myself down.

The most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time...

2007-03-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

http://thiswayoflife.org/blog/?p=147#comments

These comments are all beautiful. It's amazing to see parents who love their children FOR WHO THEY ARE. Not some idealized version of what they should be. I think that's the best gift you can give anyone. Your child, your significant other, your friend...just love them for who they are.

I hope I've given people that much happiness, especially my mother. I know some of the years past were extremely hard for her. But she is an amazing mother despite any faults I've found with her. Also I hope that when I have children they will bring that much joy into my life. I hope I'll be able to see it. I think I'll recognize it and treasure it even more being autistic myself but I've really no way of knowing that until that happens.

2007-03-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to start seriously blogging. Blogging things that may even make others irked at me. But I think that's part of living your life unabashedly.